nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
