eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
