Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
