Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i need an iv and a liver transplant
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
