Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
