Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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