I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
