just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
