I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
