It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
