We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
