please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
