I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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