He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
