I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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