i will never coherently bang her
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
