i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
