Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I checked into jail on foursquare
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
