dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
