let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
