I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
