I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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