my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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