We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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