I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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