she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
