New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
