the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
