I need to stop coming to work sober
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
