I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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