Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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