Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
