Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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