I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
smell my finger.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
