I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize