the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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