Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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