you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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