DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
