you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
