he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
