i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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