My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
