i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He felt like a one man threesome
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
