I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
