I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
