you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
