it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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