he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize