He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
