Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
