I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
