What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
