Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize