dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
