Kiss
Puke
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
