I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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