You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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