Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I think I won the penis lottery.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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