is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
