Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
