I've blown a few things in my day
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
