All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
