I bet he comes in French.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize