I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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