I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
