I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
