just tell him i said nine months
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
