please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize