Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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