I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
