He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
