im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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