His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Drunk is a universal language darling
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
