My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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