Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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