I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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