My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
