Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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